I laid across my floor with my feet propped up on my desk chair and realized I have no idea what i’m doing and I like someone that I don’t even stand a chance with. I’m not even selling myself short or doubting anything in my life or even with that person, it’s just not the right time. I’m on two different chapters with relationships and myself. It’s like everything is different, as if all that you’ve known or found familiar has changed and you’re the only thing thats stayed the same. You feel.. left behind.
I had an idea of where I was trying to go, now i’m lucky if i wake up and know what i was even trying to get to. As for liking someone, it feels like i’m in a rush getting out of the house, can’t find my keys, hair all in my face, attempting to put my other shoe on while scarfing down a quick breakfast all the time when I talk to them. I want to stop and see if we have a chance, if they even like me back. But i’m so boggled all the time that i’m afraid of stopping. Maybe its my defense mechanism to not see my failure, because i still feel like if i’m still moving, i’m not dead in the water. Or it could just be me having the fear of rejection, of finding out the answer that i’m not ready to hear. Either way, nothing is going right. I’m swirling in a constant tornado of wrong that i’m hoping eventually it will toss me somewhere. Somewhere better than here. Somewhere with an actual direction.