when you’re sitting at a table in a cafe and someone asks you, “is anybody going to be sitting here?” When you reply to them, “no not at all” they politely take the vacant chair and use it for the table that’s directly next to you where it’s needed. Then you’re sitting there staring dramatically at this empty space that used to be filled with an empty wood backside of a chair that now feels like a giant spotlight directly pointing at you. Sort of like you’re being showcased to the world, “hey this young lady doesn’t have enough company around her for a two person table.”
What you do at that moment is what will defy what stage of single-dome you’re in. You’ll either want to curl up in a ball of defeat, and promptly stop whatever you were doing and go back home to the confines of your room. Or you’ll notice the spotlight, tell it to fuck off, and continue reading your book in rebellion.
I understand, it’s winter. There is nothing more romantic than holding on to your partners hand and walking the congested sidewalk streets side by side during the most high foot traffic time, at snail like pace, extending your time together looking at christmas lights and giggling between you two. You love each other, I get it. You know why I get it?
BECAUSE I’M THE MOTHERFUCKER STUCK BEHIND YOU WALKING SLOWER THAN A SNAIL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK I CAN GET AROUND YOU MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE.
As much as I would love to have the abilities of Spider-Man to shoot a web from my wrist and cascade from building to building, avoiding all walking traffic, I don’t have it. I have to be the human sighing loudly, saying excuse me walking underneath your interlocked hands, trying to get to the train I probably already missed because of you dickholes. I loathe you with the passion of a thousand suns.
Get your shit together before you get into a relationship.
Get. Your. Shit. Together.
I’m not saying get 100% full out maximum level of shit collected, but at least don’t be fucking bat shit crazy with an unstable mental capacity. Your significant can’t hold your shit and their shit all at the same time. It’s not only unfair, but selfish. You know why? Because if that person loves the fuck out of you, they will sit there and hold all your emotional baggage until it completely cripples them. Then you both will have nothing left in the relationship but scattered insecurities and personal problems. There will be no more room for anything else but cleaning up the personal mess that you’ve continued to throw under the bed on your own.
When you’re used to being single you’re used to being independent. You know with certain aspects of your emotions, you can handle your own shit. Why? Because you know you don’t have somebody else to be there and comfort you.
When you’re in a relationship you get comfortable with the idea that maybe you don’t have to handle all your own shit, you have somebody who willingly wants to ease up the emotional baggage off you, thus becoming somewhat emotionally dependent on them.
Sometimes when those people that you’ve become dependent on fuck up, you’re left alone again to deal with all the emotions by yourself after you’ve started getting accustom to someone giving a shit and being there when you need someone.
This is an aspect of a relationship I hate the most. The eventual dependency and the eventual sometimes fuck up.
I don’t want to spend days with you restoring faith in women or working on your insecurities. Hell, I don’t want anything to do with you relationship wise if theres really any thing I need to fix that I didn’t even break to begin with.
I need somebody with their shit together. Mentally, physically, emotionally, all of that. I’m not here to be the maid of your life where i’m constantly picking up pieces to every aspect of you. We’re suppose to be starting something new, a new journey, a new start. That means before you get into something with me, clean up that mess you have in your head or heart or both before you throw us into it.
I’m not going to sit here and coddle you about the past when we’re suppose to be enjoying what we have in the present and what could be in the future. Fix your shit and then call me.
When i'm given too much time or space, I doubt everything.
And when I doubt something or someone, one foot is already out the front door. Now, instead of looking for reasons to continue where i’m at and staying, i’m looking for excuses to leave and run without even glancing back.
“During the return drive to Oslo today we listened to the radio in preparation for the one-minute silence. As it was declared that all the people of Norway, trains, buses and cars were to observe the minute’s silence, we pulled over on to the hard shoulder. This was on the main E18 route to the capital. Every vehicle came to a stop. There were many that stood outside their vehicles in a service station and the rest sat in their cars. The motorway was completely empty in both directions with all vehicles on the hard shoulders. Both myself and my wife struggled to hold back our tears. It was a very strong and emotional experience to witness such a silence.”—Lee Jones-Abrahamsen in Oslo (BBC News)
Have you ever just not been attracted to anybody?
Nobody you’re dating or talking to is giving you that…. thing. The thing that makes you look forward to their conversations, seeing, talking to them, anything that really involves them. It’s not so much that you’re content with being by yourself more so than it is that your taste buds for a potential significant other has just kind of went dull at the moment.
And its just not that one person, it could be multiple people. You look at someone and even though you find them obviously physically attractive or even mentally attractive, you’re still not attracted. You can’t really tinker in your brain to change this, its more of a, “lets wait this out” mental state.
Usually I would just suggest that maybe the cause of it is because you’re not particularly looking for anything. But even when you’re opened to the possibility of having someone and have that dull taste for other people it gets kind of frustrating. Because like I said, you can’t force the taste. Naturally you just have to wait for either your craving to come back or hope somebody comes around to ignite it.
I love my body and don’t care if you don’t. I am not making it better for you. Your opinion doesn’t count in this situation. My curves are divine. I have earned every scrape, scratch, cut, bruise and scar. I smear my lips with rouge and paint my face with a smile. I don’t need to wear any make up; I prefer the au natural look if you don’t mind. I wear my dresses in quite the variety. I like when they are snug and hug the curve of my hips. I am madly in love with myself in case you haven’t noticed. My confidence and esteem are no match for you or anyone else. It never faltered or waved a white flag. These hips don’t lie.
the body has its own story she said. oh yes? i said. the body she insisted doesn’t care that it doesn’t fit your theories. no i said i suppose not. flesh, too, had a voice and is quite articulate it says - yes i say i know what it says. it says the end is the end no matter how you slice it. precisely she said. she was herself quite eloquent. we were sitting in the cafe. the street disappearing behind the rainy plate glass window. behind us hovered the waiter and the good smell of coffee. she was beautiful. bookish. i loved her serious glasses. she was trying to explain about the flesh and i did not want to hear it but she persisted. your stories. yes? utilise the latest methods. they disrupt everything! strike out in new directions! nothing is certain. death to tradition! why thank you i said. at her back to the city wept with rain and to the dominant paradigm i said death to the dominant paradigm. of the beginning of the middle all that sad etcetera. of course she continues severely. the body is. i looked at her as the earth and i said of course the body is. a thing having a beginning and a middle and an end and is what my text struggles against and so the body and i are like two people in a cafe arguing about the way the story would go. i argue my position vis a vis. the end and beginning. and the body argues. hers yes she said. but let’s face it, no matter what you say the body wins
“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.
— Isaac Asimov”—
I like listening to the leaves rustle. The faint smell of gasoline and the sun on my face. Weezer filling my soul. I had a boy who pissed me off and I did what I do best - I let him go. I got mad at myself and let it fester until the sun was up and it was time to strap on my boots. I saw my most favourite person of all perform for a world wide audience. He called late and I hope he felt my heart expand. Grumpy Gus was my name for the day. I am a writer without the words to write. I sip words such as vither and mischance like tea from my cup. I want an afternoon in the park with a good friend. Soak up the sun and indulge in spine tingling conversation. Fill my brain with big words and foreign language. Run my hands over my collarbone. I have a few great friends that I’d go to the ends of the earth for. My heart really is too big