Nobody tells you that. It’s like as soon as you hit the big 18 people no longer say you’re still growing up. They make it out as if as soon as you’re done with college a couple years later theres no more growing up to do. You’re at max capacity. But you know, we’re not, we are by far not even close to hitting the end of trying to grow up and we need to hear that now more than we ever did when we were kids.
I don’t know why we have this notion in our heads that as soon as you get out of college you need to get your shit together. As if this magical fairy is going to pop out and give us adulthood. When we don’t get it and we crawl back to our parents house and work part-time jobs that aren’t related to our college degree to pay off said college degree we feel like failures. Not only that, nobody is there to encourage you. You’re just looked at as this giant lame ass who isn’t doing nothing in your adult life when every day you’re busting your balls trying to make ends meet and still try to maintain being happy with your short comings. Your parents, friends, the world acts like theres nothing more you can do. You’re an adult, you don’t have the job that you want, you’re in debt, you’re living in your parents basement, you suck as an adult, have a nice life its not going to get better.
That’s not the case. You’re not an adult, you’re STILL growing up figuring out shit and thats okay. Most of us didn’t get that magical fairy either to grant us adulthood and we’re fucking up and growing up right along with you. I have no idea what the hell i’m doing and i’m pretty sure a lot of people reading this also have no idea what the hell they’re doing. We’re in this together. Some people can do the growing up right away, and some of us can’t. Some of us don’t know what we want. We’re allowed to change our minds and we’re allowed to be brand new as many times as we feel. Theres no cut off age to growing up. People just keep trying to scare us into adulthood and its gets stressful when you feel like you’re the only person not doing it right. But believe me, you’re not the only one and you can take your time figuring it out. Shit, I still haven’t figured it out.
We’re still growing my friend, and thats okay. We’re okay. You’re okay.
If somebody needs something from you, you’ll hear from that person all the time. Every social network site, texting, calling, stopping by “just to say hi.” They all of a sudden become the most accessible person. Prior to them needing something from you, you’d probably only hear from them once in awhile. You’d of course have to be the person to make the first initial contact. They never go out of their way for you. But once they get what they need, what they wanted from you, you’re back to being transparent. Someone who isn’t important enough to them, but not useless to where they don’t need you anymore. You’re equivalent to being a worker in a cubical to their multi-millionaire corporation that is their life.
People who do this to other people disappoint me. Not because you need something from another person, but because before that very moment, you found no value in that person. And to not see value in a person is being one of many shit heads on this planet. Way to go, asshole.
I laid across my floor with my feet propped up on my desk chair and realized I have no idea what i’m doing and I like someone that I don’t even stand a chance with. I’m not even selling myself short or doubting anything in my life or even with that person, it’s just not the right time. I’m on two different chapters with relationships and myself. It’s like everything is different, as if all that you’ve known or found familiar has changed and you’re the only thing thats stayed the same. You feel.. left behind.
I had an idea of where I was trying to go, now i’m lucky if i wake up and know what i was even trying to get to. As for liking someone, it feels like i’m in a rush getting out of the house, can’t find my keys, hair all in my face, attempting to put my other shoe on while scarfing down a quick breakfast all the time when I talk to them. I want to stop and see if we have a chance, if they even like me back. But i’m so boggled all the time that i’m afraid of stopping. Maybe its my defense mechanism to not see my failure, because i still feel like if i’m still moving, i’m not dead in the water. Or it could just be me having the fear of rejection, of finding out the answer that i’m not ready to hear. Either way, nothing is going right. I’m swirling in a constant tornado of wrong that i’m hoping eventually it will toss me somewhere. Somewhere better than here. Somewhere with an actual direction.
My days would be a lot more interesting if I actually "liked" someone.
Don’t get me wrong though, I have mind blowing fun being single. Okay, maybe not mind blowing, but a decent time and I’m really happy with where I am. Because of that same reasoning, I want to share my happiness and those aspects with somebody else. The only thing that’s stopping me from that is the simple hiccup in chemistry.
I just don’t like anybody.
I don’t even have anybody to cutesy text message with, let alone flirt. Which in retrospect kind of makes my days pretty mundane and dull. I miss being infatuated with someone. Giggling, talking all night, and looking forward to seeing somebody after I get off work. It doesn’t make my entire day, and having someone doesn’t complete me, it’s just this perfect finish to an ending. But when you’re not interested, let alone like anybody it’s really hard finding a solution. Unless I meet the person of my dreams in the next 10 minutes and have this life alternating moment. As optimistic as I am, i’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen. Although, it would be convenient.