my heart is heavy and my fists are tight. i gave up on us being those friends that are.. friends a long time ago.
i will toast to life and soak up every moment of it. three years since day 01. surgery. i i will buy myself flowers and wear the prettiest dress i have. paint my lips red and gorge myself on books, sun and love. ride my bike all over town and pretend that for one day, everything is ok. will be ok. is ok. buy as many tubes of paint my little hands can hold and smear them over canvases. look up applications and residences in other parts of this land. research doctors and make one too many phone calls. make stupid and silly wishes on said friend and anticipate nothing changing. i am a walking contradiction. buy a plane ticket. buy a ticket to anywhere. take myself on adventure upon adventure and take a spin down that concrete slide. fill myself with jasmine tea and twirl round and round to Bright Eyes and Ryan Adams. i want red hair and less gnarly curls.
i want to inspire someone to create something beautiful. i ought to smile more often. i don’t need you, but i love having you. i’m not perfect. i make mistakes and rarely learn from them. i look funny in the morning. i really can love, i’m just terrible at it. i long for my face to be touched and lips to brush over my knuckles. laughter is my favourite sound. i secretly listen to astoundingly bad music and enjoy every moment of it. i’d like to run away and start over again. i’m awkward and graceless. everyone sees my mother in me and i’m kind of scared one day i’ll find her there too. everyone tells me i’m lucky to have such a father and i’m scared i’ll never live up the standards he’s set. i curse too much and my lips are always chapped. i joke when i should be serious and i’m serious when i should feel light hearted. i am short with ugly feet and cold hands. i’m a dreamer trapped in an insular body. i’m a writer without the words to write. i like to read until my eyes can’t focus and i always read the last page first. sometimes i can almost believe i am beautiful and i never have a good exit line.
[i wrote this three years ago and it still rings true]
i am full of angst and sour these days. i’ll throw on a smile and lead you to believe i’m not crumbling and bubbling up on the inside. there is so much beauty around me and whilst i see it and savour it, i can’t seem to shake the anger. i had a picnic with tea and crumpets. i gobbled up every last drop of my favourite tea with my pinky poised. tucked my boots under my dress and sauntered my way through Oakland and Berkeley. treated myself to anything my heart desired and danced to the beat of my own hum. woke up way too early to watch the sun rise over the Bay and smiled as my breath floated in front of me. filled pages with poems, thoughts and wishes until my pen ran out of ink whilst listening to the Best of Noam. waited and waited with bated breath for the show and drank in every minute of it. Orphan Andy’s has the most sinful apple pie. my mind is all over the place and i can’t form complete sentences. sent wishes your way and hope you felt them. covered myself with paint and rolled around on a canvas. my mind is on overdrive and i just want to slam on the brakes.
i almost called you just now to hear your voice and get me to sleep, but i look in the mirror and saw the scorn in your eyes. i put the phone in the cradle then sat down and cried. so tonight i’ll sit on my roof and pray i can fly